sometimes I have to hold down on my brachial artery - just to check it is still beating. As if my mind has forgotten to tell my body it’s dead. Or is it the other way around? Everything’s the other way round with me

i can't stop them, silence them inside

without having one hand shaking around

the butcher knife

most of the time I don't know who I want to

hurt more; myself or them; but I can't

catch them they disappear from my periphery



[sometimes] I put razorblades under my tongue

and hope they will try

to kiss me

but I just end up swallowing blood along with all the

words they stop me speaking



[sometimes] I think medicine would be better then this

a sleepy comatose in pharmaceutical bliss

I can't seem to find the right line



[sometimes] I have to hold down on my brachial artery

to check it is still moving

As if it believes you're still alive

I'm still waiting for it to prove me otherwise

[sometimes I can't stop them I can't silence them]

and that sometimes

is

now

Sometimes,
I feel like ripping apart my skin,
and searching for a reason for why
I feel this empty.
Maybe my veins are tangled,
or something is lodged
in my ribcage.
Because it feels like
something inside of me is
missing or broken.

I [sometimes] lye alone, turn off my houselights,
Raise my glass, and hold a butcher knife
Instead of a hand.

It's winter. And the voices won't go away.
Sometimes I wish the cold
Would could freeze them in my membranes

before they spilled through the space



When I was sad. And nobody cared to know it.
You sent me black roses

.."why don't you look in the mirror.
and hate what you see.
Well thats what its like to be inside me"

How can I leave
When my way home is through you?

So, for my birthday. Please give me the stars
So I can finally shine like you.



I don't want to die! I swear

I just want it to be over soon

Sometimes it's hard to say even one thing true
When all eyes have turned aside
They used to talk to you
And people on the street seem to disapprove
So you keep moving away
And forget what you wanted to say

Little bird, little bird
Brush your gray wings on my head
Say what you said, say it again
They tell me I'm crazy
But you told me I'm golden

Sometimes it's hard to tell the truth from a lie
Nobody knows what's in the hold of your mind
We are all buildings and people inside
Never know who'll walk through the door
Is it someone that you've met before?

I’m not so sure it’s such a good idea to talk to me

Then say there is trouble, or there is too much going on

Or you’r’e scared of commitment because it may break you

Like you win something by guarding yourself

As if protecting yourself is the safest option

Well it is of course, because it hurts when it matters

it feels like sickness through your bones when all your membranes

shatter

and it only hurts equally as much as it gave you feeling and worth and will

and nourishment and the wound is now only as deep as it was once was wide; it only kills you as much as it once fulfilled you inside

And this game we win by guarding ourselves;

not letting anyone in; if we opt out before it hurts us; then we are out on top

Well I don’t want to win that game

By following the safest option

I want to feel everything with all that its got

The total depth; the inexplainable; I want nothing less

I want to be so shattered that at the end of my life

There is nothing left

its ok if in one day, you wanna take the whole world on

and the next

stay under your blankets in bed

its ok if one day you wanna go out and chase your dreams

and the next

write a letter

saying you’ll catch up with them later

its ok to feel that you are alright, like you can make a difference outside

and the next

say next to me as you lay down

they will eat me alive out there; I know it now

it’s ok to be worried, and scared, and like you are not enough

but it’s not ok to ever let that stop you.

that is not ok.

why is there a windtunnel in my mind
that eats all my words
and leaves me with nothing but the
sound of broken thoughts blowing
through the wind
how do I begin
to even piece together the fragments
of thoughts barely formed? When you are
nothing nothing nothing more
Then something trying to fill an empty space
... because sometimes that nothing fills bigger than the something
the space follows you whole; watching yourself from the outside of
your skin
the darkness feels bigger than you
the feeling of sickness seems to poison the soul its
connected to
why does this empty space have to infiltrate the
best of me

god this is intense.

tell me. what are you going to do with your precious life?

are you going to stand on the edge of balconies

and look down, forever wondering what if, why.

my precious life?

when even your bloodstream flows with this aura of despair

desperate to escape with the next artery you tear

I just want to be somebody. somebody. someone.


you’ve got you’re whole damn life. you know that right?

and love is going to fill your soul, and God is going to give you light

those demons in your head. say it with me. ‘they are not who i am’


tell me now. what will you do with your precious life?

Darling. You are already enough, it is you that is precious.

im sad

about my life

im frustrated. sometimes.

they will eat me alive out there, i know

it now

but my thoughts have already destroyed

the only part of me that was once

worth inhaling

my sickness beats in me, like a

second heart. At times pumping its blood

of derangement and discontent through my veins

like bursts of snow storms that coat my heart

in winter

and at times you can only hear it when

alone in bed

and the silence around you reminds you of

its humming

while it pulses voices through your head

and sometimes this heart explodes and

grows

and poisons my organs sends depression

through my bones

but the heart within me, the one that

sits in the centre of my chest

is filled with faith, God, peace and rest

and it will always beat harder

and faster and with more love and blood

then any sickness

or any heart

that doesn’t beat just for me

trying

when the dimmest lights are on at night
when the stars can finally project their light
for those with the sleeping sickness; the treasured
decent into darkness that they can never find
and every night they lay down and try
then grow anxious and read until their eyes
are sore and bleed,
well all that time in the blaring light
they are out with lanterns all night
looking for themselves, the person
they can never find
you don't even feel in your body anymore; the
tiredness has helped you escape
but you would happily find what you had lost
for a moment of relief, in the sleeping space
'cause you spend every 3am waiting for
the sun to finally rise,
then the morning will rest your weary eyes
and for another 12 hours, you're never really awake
and you're never really asleep
or are you

Just wait patiently,
and when the night comes
you don't have to be afraid
of the choices your mind
made
because from where i'm sitting
you look like those flowers
that grow through the resistance
of concrete and roads
that still blossom even though
their sunlight has been ripped from
them
its so poison
like the pages of your book,
red and scattered
the words hardly ever make sense
but they did in your head
Well credit whatever God it is that
you put your faith into
Because he must be doing you well
well whatever it is

this is confusing, I'm trying to grasp onto reality
out the window, the scene
seems like a dream, like a painting
I'm trying to talk, to speak to explain
but my words are disordered, they're coming
out wrong and my thoughts are tangled
and
i
dont wanna see a doctor or a nurse,
or get more medicine, or drink or even
worse..
and i don't wanna think i'm sick
or unwell, or I'm thinking in reverse
or even
worse.

...... angels talk to me through messages, all the time, they are so beautiful,

my solitude never leaves, even when i am
surrounded by the most generous of company
why is that, it bothers me
i find my thoughts drifting away;
distracted more by the conversations
within my head, then outside them
i could visit magical realms and
ethereal worlds in my mind; then through
leaving my door and experiencing my life
and its true, its so vivid,
so real to me
I'm always drifting between reality
and fantasy
my head is the contents of a fairy's pocket
and just as a chance to escape from the real world
i'll keep it a secret, secure it in a locket..

i dont wanna be chemically restrained
anymore,
dont understand? i miss reading Plath
and not spilling all my coffee in my
shaking hands

Vanilla and glass she whispers; it’s all in

past tense

I wanna hold all your light in my hand

is the line he writes back in

his mind

She’s not telepathic, but she is surely

magic

and it would seem to him that she made him

feel, something more than

Real.

In all the lines I’ve written about you;

where do you disappear to?

He could never outgrow the space

She stitched her veins into his

The stars talk to me in your voice,

Do you know that? it’s your laughter i hear

in the storm clouds

In all his dreams, his spinning fantasises

She was the image that stared back at him

She could feel his eyes; staring through her skin

at her soul, her light, her beautiful being.

Vanilla and glass she whispers; it’s all in

past tense

I wanna hold all your light in my hand

is the line he writes back in

his mind

She’s not telepathic, but she is surely

magic

and it would seem to him that she made him

feel, something more than

Real.

In all the lines I’ve written about you;

where do you disappear to?

He could never outgrow the space

She stitched her veins into his

The stars talk to me in your voice,

Do you know that? it’s your laughter i hear

in the storm clouds

In all his dreams, his spinning fantasises

She was the image that stared back at him

She could feel his eyes; staring through her skin

at her soul, her light, her beautiful being.

in the flood gates, shut my eyes
the well in the back of my mind
that stores my darkest thoughts
and releases them at the same time
every night
about 3:20am; when the sky is its darkest
there's no hint of sunlight,
Or particles of lightened morning
sky

and i feel the hemispheres of my brain
tormenting each other and I'm sitting at the
front of my mind
Listening to them annihilate other compartments
of my personality
which were born fragmented
and i want to get a thought in, maybe ask
a question
I'm just a spectator at my own thinking
which is dark, poison and most probably deathly

somebody rip these organs right out
of this tired skin that holds them
in
im tired of words wrapping around my veins
and bleeding me dry
as i lie awake
night after night
champagne glass after sleeper
after sedative, after tranquilliser
the thoughts never stop I'm miserably
displaced
im tired honestly.
im 21 and I'm already exhausted; i feel
like I've already seen a million
demons and
faced my own hauntings
I've got no lifeblood, Im sick I'm
empty
im
I'm such a god damn
mess

there was something about how he made my coffee;
every morning caffeinated; extra shot
to counteract the drugs; the sedation; the
restless spot..
turquoise eyes, i swear yeah, i know they
don't exist; but through
my mind;
maybe I'm colour blind
but they were teal, turquoise, blue
every colour; they change, i swear
beautifully too
warmth, where are you? i need you
so much now... and my stomach is
sweetened by hot coffee
but I'm still cold; the rest of me
my soul is tired, exhausted
i can almost hear it crying
and the violent waves of emotion
are nauseating and horrifying
but he makes my coffee beautifully; it maybe
the only sunshine in my day,
the warmth I'm searching for so desperately
is heated by warm liquid; but it never stays
I want someone to take them with me
Just take me away; to leave,
erase
if he makes my coffee every morning; like this
undamaged, warm, maybe he feels sorry for me
and that is why he will stay
Somebody wrap their arms around me and
for God's sake
warm me from the outside in
I need warmth
its not
fucking
coming
from
within

like, you know that feeling when your
skin literally feels too heavy
for your bones
for your dreams
your mind feels too heavy
to ever live up its hopes
and you spend half your time
resisting the urge
for suicide
and the other half
struggling with the guilt
of
possibly
thinking
such
horrific
things
you know that feeling when your
stomach resists every possible
pill
liquor
emotion
when time is accelerating; yet
you're still stuck in slow motion
im confused
by this, by God, by myself, by
you words, voices, earth, sunshine,
night, days no point in continuing
its all a
world you're just pushed into when they
say your of age
and you never find yourself
You disappear more everyday.

there is an outline of a man
always by my side
when I lay my head at night;
I feel the other side of the pillow sink,
As if it absorbs the words
That he thinks
Theres an hollow beside me;
an outline which needs filling in
He has the artery
And I have the vein
and in 7 million people, I’m
yet to find blood the same

But to just deny the existence
of Love
or expect it to never come
will break up your fibres of
delicate innocence;
and replace it with bleakness,
coldness and numb

Love is in all forms -
God, spirit and wine
- but I wish,
I could fill this hollow
man in.

i thought you opened the curtains
at sunrise (way too early)

….’why won’t you let me sleep?’ i was still so tired.

Not ready to wake up.

Then I rolled over, and the curtains were still shut;

turns out it wasn’t the sunrise; it was

the

glow

of

you

it was all your sunshine

You are the morning light

Oh god, I will wake up for you.

the voices are always louder at 3am
did you notice, how they are complete perfectionists
at finding the most horrific words
to swing back and forth in your mind
as the minutes drag by
insides awaiting the beautiful
morning light

and when you drink.. the deeper the ethanol
makes you think
in turning to vodka I always end up
fetal position crying for God
enough is enough
one spirit makes me turn to another
notice that
its only desperation that makes one
sacrifice their early morning quiet
stomach
for nausea and sick
thats the price you pay to think
and you know it's worse but you can never
find the words
like you can when your high
in spirit, pot or wine


im so many people yet nobody
i couldn't explain myself in a few words
or a book
theres no depth to me just a hollow soul
behind eyes that are too scared to look
because i cant understand
everything i see
and I'm a washed inside with beautiful
melodies
and they tilt their heads sideways
when i walk past them ... you know
like they've never seen flowers
blossom and grow?

try. try not to....
you're doing it again, you're
thinking
you know all this drinking
that feeling that your sinking,
theres an anchor tethered
around your foot; that holds you beneath
forever
and when you can feel the warmth
and see the sunlight particles at the surface
you know it's there, so close... if only
you could break free of yourself
you could see
it would no longer be a distant dream
to finally feel relief
and you could feel the real heat against
your skin
and when you find your sunlight
Please refuse to sink.
There is sunlight up there
for everyone; God
made the light for us to share
I wanna feel it so much my
skin burns up
and peels; I need light so much
i want it for us
it's there
just try not to think...
you're doing it again
you're...

its strange sitting upright
then you hear all your glasses dropping
off your shelves
I'm up side down and i have
a headache now all the blood rushes to your head
so detached. but heart still beating
....couldnt be dead

its so...frustrating you know
when God
shakes your world - he has no respect
for your belongings or your head

maybe you break like your wine glasses
into a million pieces
then your loved ones have to tip toe
around making sure they don't cut themselves
on the bits of you that no one else can
be bothered to clean up
why can't God clean me up
Enough is enough.

but God's secret is he won't let you out
that easy; it wouldn't be right
You are here to die a thousand deaths
before you finally learn to love your life
so when you decide to piece yourself
back together
you'll always be fragmented
and scarred forever
and you can either chose
to rebuild your old soul
or begin anew...

i feel weighed down inside
by all that is you
in all the depth of soul that
penetrates through
this connection between us two
immeasurable by any imagination
without you is how i disappear
you unbalance me, you
i don't know
im confused.


i can light my cigarettes
purely
from the sparkle in your eyes
i can
close the curtains
and lock the doors and it will
still look like morning light
with you at my side
people are capable of such... things
you'll soon find
you make your own stars you know
from the inside


can you see i'm disorderly;
so god damn confused
i have no idea how i ever was anything at all
ever
before you?

outside the window. it's cold.
its getting so cold at night...
rubbing the sleep out of my eyes
but my bones didn't get any
dreams last night
instead I lay staring
into the scenery outside
and felt that usual nausea
when it was morning light

as all four seasons pass once more
i feel every flower bloom
and the winter aches and sores
and in summer the nights don't stay long
daylight wakes up early
But it never rises before me
then in spring the clock winds back
i think i know what they call me
an ...insomniac?

its cherry blossom season, its come once again
The buried bodies under them...
Their blood makes them ruby red
and my bottles of empty wine,
my sanity, my control,my medicine for the night
And i'll swallow myself sick
To take the loneliness away
Because in the night it hurts..
and the cruelty of lying alone;
well, it couldn't get much worse
There's something about how darkness fills the
gaps of emptiness more; it's thicker
somehow; the spaces between us


She's full moon once again
Luna, she's so pretty
Through these hazy darkened hours
She is my only company
But a part of her is always hidden away
Like all of us, in our own way
The moon likes secrets
And i've confessed all i can say
But hers...she keeps quiet
She's more of a listener, who patiently
provides the only light.
Night after endless night; she's the
one who waits by my side


'cause when it's time to close your eyes
my broken mind just cannot find
a dream to hold onto, and let me try
to give my tired organs a break from life
and theres voices screaming
But i'm beyond the point of feeling

if you feel you are losing your soul, then
you still have a soul left to lose
well for me my soul has no use! if life
your just barely existing
so exhausted you can't see, hear
or feel
you can't keep up with other's words
or try to plant your feet in their
world
a million veils away from the warm
hands of another
and if they grabbed mine then i'd hold so
tight their wrists would surely break
but i know with every night that passes
the further you slip away

The body; its immunity
It doesn't serve you well
All the prescriptions in the world
Can't save your mind from itself
with every night that passes
my mind cops another contusion
every slight glimmer of hope -
doctors, pills the rest
it's only another illusion

I've read Sylvia Plath 'til my eyes burn red
and finished too many bottles to rest
my weary head
and the tremor, the sadness,
the emptiness inside
confusion, and loneliness
years of my life, lost to
meaningless time

when sleep is nowhere to be found
the clock gets louder; it's torture!
That sound.
A sickness so cruel, when you're not allowed
to watch your own dreams
and nightmares are dreams too..you know
so theres no doubt; mine came true
and every night out the window i look and wonder
which is darkest, the outside?
or you.

i cant explain what I'm feeling
its nonsense
i know, and the more i try to
find words that resemble it the more
i am thrown
and wondering if this is even real
that all this could happen inside
of you - that you could feel so immeasurably
unsure of what is happening that even the
last 10 years of reading daily has failed to
provided you with a wide enough
vocabulary to possibly turn this into
a formation of words.
I've followed thought streams; down endless tangents until they made no sense. and
still i am left with nothing
they call it alexithymia. i read once. my writing sucks at the moment.

Every chemical element in your body,
apart from hydrogen, came from within a star
some people you would never guess
but with you i imagined nothing less
what shines above us all
shines within
you.
we don't need to turn on any
light
you bring it with you
everywhere you go. like it's
just leaking
straight from your
bones.

morning clouds paint their silver
lining in the sky
the stars fade as the biggest one
steals the night
but see you are still here
thats the beauty in stars
they are always there
but shine
brighter in the dark.
...and i am nothing. any goodness
love, health, light in me
is just you
shining out.

you know that feeling when you
walk down the street and you smell
someones cologne and it
makes you believe for that tiny
moment
that person is them
the warmth and comfort of
sweet memories if you
shut your eyes it is them
right with you
we breathe in their air; their
thoughts their souls
well
shouldn't this be why home
is not a place its a
person because i want
to wake up with that feeling
every morning and
every time i walk out from
the world in the door i want it
to fill my lungs
i want it to take me back
to the first thing i recognised
you by
the incense against your
wrists
and how the cells and your
body made it to mix
everything that you would
be
the strongest of all our
memories.

well that time before dawn
when the sky is the darkest
but from my
insides they could still be
light compared to the darkness
within me
and maybe
everybody

you see what the night does
to you
it makes you believe in illusional
scenarios
all fucking night to stay awake
and dream up mindless combinations of
words to
make up for a total lack of talent
in anything tangible in a
life out there

today i was smoking a cigarette
out on the balcony
over the sea
only me and cherry
and a bird sat on the
ledge
and watched the
sea
with me
and it reminded me
no rather it made me
think
that even birds had to
stop for a
while and rest
their wings.

so it finally, fell
and i laid out in the sunlight for hours;
moon phases and seasons bloomed
flowers
my palms outstretched.. turned upward
trying to seek some words
of gentle advice from the universe
or god, or the like
where do i go? my whole world just
fell in front of me
and i could only stare blankly
like that inner chaos where you
can feel your veins
stinging the inside of your skin
or your lungs filling with fluid
so your soul can
sink

i slice my artery in the shower
watching the blood diffuse into
the water
I let the mixture of blood
and water run down
my legs and watch my
feelings drip down the drain
get the hell
away


over thinking
over drinking
under sleeping
slipping and sinking

.
and there is nothing
anyone
can
do.
least of all me.

there could be someone out there
who says they love someone
the same way that I
love
you
There could be someone out there
whose tendons are bursting and
cell fibres are
ripping apart
trying to coagulate the internal
chaos to question everything that they
even do
wondering who they were before
they met you
theres no secret why god put our hearts
behind ribcages
because it would take something so unreal
and intense to dissipate those bones
and break them

there could be
someone out there who is holding someones
hips close for the night
someone out there who is seeing
a river through there eyes
saying goodbye
someone who is holding onto someone's
hand while they
die
someone out there who is kissing
another for the first time
who is blowing candles out
running away
watching a sunrise in a new
place they have never seen before
learning to read
packing their bags for an adventure
with someone else
there could be someone out there
who is giving away all their secrets and
learning how to trust
or looking back and writing their
stories bleeding their veins onto pages
of memories and dust
there could be staring up at the stars and calculating
just how far
they are from the one that they love
there could be someone out there who is
is waiting for 11:11 to wish for someone
else
or flying through a daisy patch
or making beautiful artwork that will never
see any one else's eyes
someone who is standing on the edge of a
balcony choosing between death and life

there could be someone out there who
says they love someone the same way that
i love you
but
they are
wrong.

i'm tired, no ... not sleepy
resting my head won't help me
it's an exhaustion that isn't
defined by the words to
articulate life
it sits in my stomach
and isn't even soaked up by
the beautiful
light...
i know even my normal motions
are slow and displaced
i count myself ready out of bed
each day
set my alarm well before six
because it takes me so long to
grow the guts to just
exist




My stomach aches, my legs cramp
my nerves burn me
but it's the only level of
feeling
my body can seem to create
i feel like i'm on some medicine
that has turned this gorgeous world
into a rotten waste

and my mind; which use to read, and study
and write
can no longer put two words in a row
a page would take a week to even read
...not to absorb though
I don't even have the feelings to hate
myself
or try to end my life
I'm convinced I deserve this suffering
and to leave I have no right
It's not pain; agony, I don;t know
there's no words that are right
it's just exhaustion
that isn't restored by a long
dreamy night
confusion on not knowing
what is not real and what
is right.

I must tell you that I should really like to think there’s something wrong with me- Because, if there isn’t, then there’s something wrong with the world itself-and that’s much more scary! That would be terrible. So I’d rather believe there is something wrong with me, that could be put right.

all night i lay awake
and read through pages of those
who have suffered the same
fate
whose minds disconnect from truth and

they spill their stories onto pages
that keep my mind safe through these
stages
the words in the stories keep me calm
and i just want to see some cherry
red blood spilling down my
pale arms
for no other reason but it seems to
listen to those strange things my mind
tells me to do

reading is the only thing that gives me some true escape.. not even drugs or sedation offers me this peace.

i havent unplugged the bath
and let the water dry up
through the drain
'cause you sat in
that water for hours
when it was cold one day
and now the water is like winter
kind of like how
it feels
without you.

i swear when i turn over on
the pillow when the sun sometimes shines
i can smell your sweet scent
and your fingertips running up my spine
we drew tattoos with our hands
across every contour
i know it's only a hallucination
...and i sink into my mind
Just so I can feel those imprints
one last time

i remember how you would save
the last drop of your tea
because you knew how much that
last bit of sugar would
taste so sweet to me
and you'd leave me a rolled up
cigarette
even if it was your last
those nights we stayed awake
making our own light in the dark
Reading Plath
and Bukowski, exchanging dreams and all those
hidden secrets buried of me

our song was just the sound of
nothingness...and a whisper you repeat
every morning to me 'this is
how it's all supposed to be..'
this is how that constantly searching soul
finally feels complete

it was all luminescent, so disreal
seasons passed by unknowingly
but the flowers you would bring me
reminding that it was spring
and your shoulder blades began sticking out
as if they would grow into wings
...and it seems in summer time
they finally
did

Where the hell have you been?
My bones and my thoughts have become
miserably displaced
I'm lost without you
Frayed fabric; my light has all but
vanished
but I reflect in you
Because you are the stars in me
and a love like you
who burned always so bright
could light up the
whole night
sky.

of course its highly confusing
to have thoughts cross over one another
then run in and drown out each other
have them yell at you from the back
of your mind
then break your concentration

i don't wanna be chemically restrained
any more, you understand?
i miss reading Plath and not spilling
every coffee in my shaking hands

And it's all evaporating
the contents of my personality
My soul. My constraints. Everything in
Me.

i'm spoiling the life you
have made for us
soon i know
you'll have enough
and the words aren't forming
the lines between reality
are falling
im tired of trying
to live in this world of yours
when the one inside my head
makes sense to me more.

those shooting stars
it was just angels were throwing their
cigarettes under their
arms

life is so strange
when everyone is a stranger
and I've got marks from where
you tried to strangle her
but it was all in love
...see I know you. I know what makes you
convulse in emotion and burst inside
so it turns black and blue
it matches the burns from old smokes
I
dotted my hips with when it was
cold
and those angels whispered to me
don't worry you're never alone

that familiar nausea empties it's
contents right through me
I exist; that is all
and it's sickening...
particles of the world, they collapse
into me
and i can't run. I'm tied down
There is nothing left
I'm devoid of even the faintest
sound
...so I always trace the scars
you gashed into her wrist
When every morning rose
and your skin screamed out to be
sun kissed
it was heaven when the rays
burnt blisters into your bones
...'cause then she couldn't feel the
inflammation from the knocks
it was more the shakes and little
reaction to pain

one night i am hiding underneath
the bricks of my house
and i hear an angel whisper
run.. anywhere, just..go ... get out
and voices in my head they echoed in the
air
and what they tell me; i just have to do...
the swelling cramped my legs
and i kept running towards the moon
i am finally freeing her, from the torment
the sickness
those rotting rooms
i'm bandaging up my broken skin
that the bruising has tattooed

so in my broken mind I guess I will
find
a rhyme to get me through the time
and a knowledge to know
that it takes 7 years for completely new
cells to grow
so some seasons will pass by
and i'll remind myself just as much
soon i will grow into a body
that you have never touched

and in the sky; all around me
shooting stars fell aplenty
those angels are smoking again
and they've lighten up a new
world for me.

I swear she had nerve endings longer then
her limbs
and I can't stand to see a set of hips
That I can't touch, or feel
Or miss

her hands were cold. So I shut the
Bedroom window
But it was just because
She had no blood flow
but she kept pulling me back to the sea
on high tide she would escape
then in the moonlight come back to me

i wanna swim in your veins
... push myself through the river
of broken arteries
but I'm stuck, I can't get inside
...cos your blood has all but dried
sometimes having the heart of a starfish
isn't enough to get you by

but I can never deny
... I know that now you can never cry
it's cause you have a starfish heart
and i will cut you in two
because i know another starfish
will grow anew

if i try this trick
again and again
maybe it will create a pair of hearts
to repair all your broken arteries
fill them with blood
and make your veins
Overflow and flood

I'm a sucker for girls with frozen palms
With icicles on the love lines
...cause I need to be burned
To feel half-way alive

what...you want to run away
Just 'cause your feeling a little strange?
I don't want to settle.
It's not in my veins
I want someone to unbalance me
put glow pens through my arteries

i want her to give me kisses
with razorblades
under her tongue. because i like
the taste of broken blood
and maybe i just want a piece of her
in me
so i can feel as though i am just
slightly functioning


what your hearts not beating?
i promise its only from the cold
i've never met a set of hands
that provide me with so much life
and its so odd when you sit back
and it comes to your mind
How can you breathe into another
so much hope
when you are left with none
of your own.

i couldn't even leave, as long as i ever live
'cause he grew roots around my ribs
and tied the fragrances of roses around
my veins
Flowing river of sparkles
that glitter more beautifully everyday

i put on my favourite lipstick
and wrap them softly on his hips
such a sight, i could never not look
trying to break away
he cracks, like the spine of a book

like my favourite dress,
i will always wear him well
because winter isn't cold anymore
this year, it's so so warm

so when i hold his hand
i'm holding the world in my palm
and even if my 'love line' is broken
i know this is just the start

but you know what really breaks
his soul into pieces?
it's that he's not real
and i'm 'too sick' to see it
he tells me over and over
'i'm already dead'
but what difference does it make?
i'll keep loving him even
if he is just in my
head.

maybe i … don’t wanna take your medicine

because it makes me feel so sick inside..

and losing so many hours of the day

makes me feel like i have already died

and what is real inside you? how do you really feel,

well its so impossible to say
because all the chemicals mixing inside you
kill your personality more every day
and when the clock ticks past 6 every night
i open my medicine box, what a confronting site!
it feels like my cupboard is the pharmacy
and the pills erasing everything inside of me
but it’s alright
thats ok
because the voices aren’t allowed to stay
so maybe im holding clumps of my hair
in my constant shaking hands
and its fucked up all my womanly traits
so i don;t get any more period cramps
and when i look in the mirror
and ask who am i
there is no answer… no reply
because there is nobody inside
cos these medicines, you see… they rewire your brain
and you take them again and again
worried that you’ll relapse to ‘insane’
the doctors don’t care for ‘side effects’
damaging or not
so long as your quiet and well-behaved
they’ll prescribe you another box
see what these medicines have done
they have completely destroyed me
if you think an illness is damaging
take their medication
and maybe you will see…

you can wear me like your favourite dress,
I will never mind
You can give me everything you ever needed
then throw me to the side
... you can give me nothing and that
is all i will ever ask
You can kick me off like your painful heels
and leave me in the dark

your lips taste like warm tea
... and your words, they excite me, like true
caffeine
that skeleton so perfectly refined
and if you give me your organs, i'll hand you mine.
as the winter asks what we did all summer
well the truth is can't remember
what are you made of? sedatives and sleepers?
and tomorrow i am going to ask God..
please..can i keep her?

in the morning, tun on over
fake eyelashes sticking to the pillow
the blankets are deep enough
but my insides...below
in the space between cartlidge and bone
when you are alone
the days go , so, so slow

they say you don't have to believe in love
without it you can survive
but they are mistaken, see...
because
i have...nobody
and anybody or everybody who could easily see
can see the state of me

back and forth the struggle is
consuming it all
when moonlight lasts longer then sunlight
and you see the shadows flying in through your door
.,..is this the reality of having no one?
when what you make believe is what you see
and despite what they say, they won't go away

this is the harshness of nights spent alone
it's not true what they say
you can't survive, i know, you see
because look on the insides of me.

in sunny days and sparkling nights,
inside my veins, insomniac until the
morning light
well you don't know what to do with me,
because i like beautiful melodies
that tell horrible stories
and i like finishing off bottles of wine
until i can finally rest my head at
night

you, dont know what you are worth to me
i think you are the one who forces the
blood through my arteries
i promise i'll get better,
when i'm finally alive
you dont have to wait by my side.

im lost in a sea, the bottom is too far out of reach
and the top..well i'll never make it up there,
i cant not breathe
anymore
the bottle is where i place my journies
and my extended sympathies

i wish you could see
what my nerves are doing to me
ithink its them who make me drink til
the last drop
until i can do nothing more in my life
then promise myself one day i will
stop

and i can feel it eating away my visceral
parts as they struggle to complete me
im letting my organs down by this abuse
but i cant sleep at night without the use

its all these nerves
nerves
what they are doing to me
how my nerves are killing me
i will write a book but i wouldnt survive
anxiety over anxiety i'd just drown in the wine
but the weight of the world stops being so heavy
when i have a couple of chasers
inside me

my nerves
they are killing me
my nerves will be the god damn death of me

where did you step out of... how high on the bookshelf is this a story with an ending or something else what pages do you dance from are they lyrics from a song? did a lonely girl imagine you right out of thin air to look as innocent as you do with those eyes and that messy hair i don't care if you come from inside the pages thrown together by a mind thats missed out on sleep for ages he'll do what he wants with you romance life or death oh to be a fictional character always the best dressed.

Sucking on the cigarette,
The burn wasting the paper away
Akin to the disease,
Ripping through her arteries

Exhaling the cold winter air
As dead cherry blossoms lay strewn
On the sidewalk
Summer is reserved for only those who
can feel and love
Accept the warmth of life, and
let themselves shine

Don't be scared, your life is hanging by this thread,
The stars will all fade away, it'll take your whole soul
Unless, you give your veins another sparkle
You can make all the pain go away, with a slip of the
needle
A pull of the plunger, and you can dream that you're
invisible

They say it's wrong, continue, and I'll be killed
But i'm just attempting to erase all this sadness I always feel
And maybe it rips your soul out,
But I'd rather it out than in
I'd rather a needle jabbed in my arm
Then the pain of life, a poison heart just fading away

Nobody will ever love me, it's true
But the serum cleansing the inside of me
It's just, a release
And now nobody can hurt me anymore,
'cause I've tainted myself so much
Theres not a piece of me somebody else can
touch

Friends leave your life,
But you've got one that sticks by,
Money does buy friends, I'm living proof
Cause in my arm, cash goes in
And glitter drips out
The feeling of warm arms around you
Drowns the pain of the world out

ive had enough. why the hell do i bother waking up.

Streams of life,
They flow through me
This sunlight against every vein
Takes the sadness, the darkness
away

When you look outside, it's rain
Falling down, but inside of you
Happiness,
It's aroused.
Every inch of your existence
Lighten up, like Times Square
'cause it could never shine as bright
As heroin flowing through you
In the darkness of the night

Watching myself from outside of my skin
The heart remembers to beat
As the chemicals flow in
Yesterdays problems, miles away
The worries I once nurtured
Drifted, they fade

And my needle, is probably my closest friend
Like the touch of an angel, gripping my hand
I feel so beautiful.
The blushing running through my cheeks
Happiness, this is what it is
Comes in a vile,
I shoot it up in style
Dreaming of transcending to a place only
The liquid can take me
Far away to a place
That's paradise inside me

It's ok, I don't do this 'cause I want to die
I use this beauty
Because I just want to feel alive.

It's like waking, wanting to crawl out of your skin
The whole world walks with stars in their eyes
But there's no glitter in mine

God, I hate myself right through to the veins
Every glance at myself theres only shame
I've never hated anyone as much as I hate myself
I wish I could be anyone else in this world.

I think all the people that 'love' me don't know the real me.
I wish I could hate you as much as I hate myself.

The 5 L's

I'm definitely surrounded my death, and I feel almost blessed by this. For a young person and to have lost so many people I have given my heart too feels almost surreal. How can I explain how it feels when you're holding someones hand who is transitioning from life into death? When they call out for their mothers and can see them in front of them when I can't see anything? Do I believe it, or are they hallucinating from the pain? So I comfort them, say it's ok to move on, when I come back again they are gone. I won't ever see them in their human form ever again.

This use to disturb me because I care for these people like they are my friends. It doesn't matter if they are old or young or sick or demented, they are my friends, they've impacted my life, they care for me as I care and love for them. A close work friend instilled me with a bit of insight that has made me feel better about losing people I care for. She told me that when they move on they become angels that look over us in the same way we looked after them. Those who have left us behind have left me many blessings, and I will never ever forget them.

Studying the End of Life is very uplifting, and it teaches us the way to work through loss is the 5 L's:
Love
Live
Laugh
Learn
Listen.

Death can enrich our lives, and in a strange way being beside someone during their transition period has made me not scared of death at all, how can you be? We have so much inside us not to live on and teach every one we've left behind.

We dance like we're on sedatives,
The air feels thick through my fingers
The spaces so you can fit your hand through
I just want to rip that muscle right out of your chest
And watch it burn away like
a desperately craved cigarette

Ballet shoes
They only look good on you
Every cell underneath your skin
Is like a thousand stars floating
In one of our downed bottles
of stolen gin

Your a nasty habit
The girl of my dreams
Even the prettiest girls get the
Blues
And the only thing that tears me away from my sadness
Is one and only
You

Everyday I
Secretly hope one of us will die
Then I can drink myself to death
In the hope of forever being
By your side

I wan't to feel alive.

I always knew I'd die young
Loosening the grip on my IV
..the people around me
"why?" .. "why.." fake concern,
dripping from their eyes

...well I've never really been
Happy inside

All I adore is the bottomless needle
A hand full of love wrapped around my heart
I wish you could see, without it the world
is so dark

Empty blue veins, struggling to run
Through me
It's inject or drown in my own misery

My arteries keep trying to hide
..cause the pain of the sharp is
Eating away at my insides
And so I wrap the tourniquet
Tighter then tight

I don't use cause I want to die
I do this because,
I want to feel alive.

There's a hole in my arm, cash goes in
and love secretes out
But the voices in my head,
Nothing will keep them down

...and I can hide from my sadness
I can hide from the way I look
I can hide from them, and all those
horrible things they said

I can hide from the endless,
sorrow that I felt
But I can never hide from
Myself.

The Mirror Has No Reflection.

I'm tired of this world
Where I'm still awake, but still asleep
Where I don't know if it's my head, or my heartbeat
If I try to run away from this town
Don't chase after me,
I need to go through the pain of a comedown

Won't you cut my arm into pieces
So I can't find a vein anymore
I need to slice away my arteries
And watch my needle romance bleed away

Oh, the irony,
Of a taste so beautiful, yet, hurtful
Like a rose lined with razorblades
That gashes every cappilary, every vein
Every inside fibre
Of your life away

'cause I wish this poison more then I wish disaster
I'd rather die then be without the needle sharp
Days turn into weeks into months into years
The colour drains from my skin
Turns barely ivory
Bet you could almost see straight through me

When I was young I witnessed a murder
But I was too scared to make the call
Little did I know I was the killer
I don't look pretty dead
I look like a fucking waste
It almost seems as though my life was laced
I'm on a one way ride
To a 19-year old's grave,
But I know it's the only escape

Theres nightmares when I'm awake
It's all a painful dream
Theres voices telling me to immerse underwater
And simply 'fall asleep'
I need someone to hold onto and cry, cry, cry.
Because inside I know, I've already
died.

Withdrawn.

"The vomit, the cramps, your gut tied in knots.
The jangling nerves screaming for one more shot.
The hot chills and cold sweats, withdrawal pains,
can only be saved by my little white grains."

Sunshine.

'cause I'm so, so cold
Won't you open up your bedroom window?
I know I've got a needle hanging out of my vein
Let me inside, and I'll be able to take it away

It's never sunshine anymore.

Daisy.

Daisy, baby
I need a lift. It looks like I'm smoking the morning air
If you let me inside, I'll take you away
You'll never want to come back home,
you'll never ever feel alone.

Daisy my love,
You've got to wrap the tourniquet tight
You've got to push the needle in 'til you find the light
It only hurts the first few hundred times
Then it's bliss, 'cause your arms already died
So come lie with me,
Watch this city burn away
I'll wrap my arms around you
Life will never be the same

Daisy, darling
I'll be here to save you on the comedown
We'll run to the ocean and listen to the sounds
I will never let go of your hand
Through the highs, and through the lows
You're my most beautiful friend

Daisy, don't you feel alive?
Isn't this the way we are suppose to feel inside?
Heroin. It's bliss.
It's life.

So one more time Daisy,
Come dance with me
Push away the pain, 'cause the world has a disease
And we've found the cure
A thousand stars through the bloodstream
Daisy. Daisy.
Come join me.

If your tears tasted as sweet, believe me,
I'd leave.
But even the curves of your hips
Or the glossy lining of your lips
Just can't compare
To the ampoule thats the needle,
and the life thats inside of there

Into the summer I gaze into the sun
Soaking up the burning because I know
I'm turning into no one
When family ignore birthdays, they say it's 'out of love'
'cause you've got to hit rock bottom
Before you can come back up

But truth be told, I'll never stop
I just can't, I can't, isn't that enough?
I really don't want to be like this
I don't want to spend my life alone
Inside I know i just want to come home

So for you,
I'm sorry it's Heroin i chose
It was your heart I just happened to find
I bruised it, I left it behind
Inside babe, I've already died
It's me and my needle for a double suicide.

The city will be sweeter without me
I'm sick in my mind and in my heart
I just want to go back to the start
And cut the tourniquet off my arm

I'm so young but my world's already fallen apart
There was no warning packet on my syringe
Now I can't breathe unless I dig it in my arm
I don't want to be like this,
I just want you to believe
I promise, I promise I did try
I'm dead in everybody's eyes.

Sitting by the doorway, i know theres broken glass cutting my legs
But it's true
I can't move without you.
Bottles strewn
From the inside of my bloodstream
Right to outside the door
Maybe a few drops left in some
I must have passed out before I could clean dry the
poison
Cause I'm just a paper doll with a sad addiction to drugs
A calling, an ache a burn that couldnt be erased even by love
I mean thats so fucking sad! That an angel opened his heart for me
Yet I still chose to cut my lines with my credit card
And leave him bleeding in the dark

It's true it's true
Chemicals have my heart and theres nothing I can do!
You know how much I want to love you!
You'll always come second best, even though I hate to say
It hurts me more and more everyday

Please let me pin you dry
You can be my butterfly
Don't let me hurt you anymore
Run away, before.
Before.
Before.
Before.

when it falls down your throat
The loss of all control
Ectasy through every particle of the bloodstream
Inner bliss, an eternity of warmth inside
Don't attempt to pride
These insides away
I'd never leave myself open on display
Cause ripping out my heart
and Arteries
Just for you seems, like, it would
Hurt to much.
I mean, who likes pain?
I know you want inside me,
I know you need inside me,
But if only you could see
THe demons that eat away at me
All it is is poisonous liquid
That bloats my stomach
But lifts my soul.
With it im beautiful
Without it im just me,
Sad, Tired, Not wishing for
Anymore life.

There's a star named after you,
all my beautiful friends
and when I say goodbye
I promise I'll look after you all.

got a mind only a prescription can fix
Death is the only painkiller that really exists.

Cut up three lines of snowflakes
Breathe the icicles through your nose
Use the hypodermic
Through the vein the needle goes
Turn down the houselights
Shot that bottle down
Have it all!
Well aren't you just the
Belle of the Ball!

POISON HEARTS WILL NEVER CHANGE!! and i am the owner of one. i fucking hate myself so much.

"One million blessings.
Why don't you wear one of your pretty red dresses?
I love your hips, your dimples and
the rouge on your cheeks"
Flowers are brighter around you, I swear.
They used to be black but there is colour
Everywhere.
If you're the one whose gonna save me
I owe you all my life and more
And when you ask
"Do you love me"
I won't stop to tell you
"of course..most certainly"

Cause the stars align for us
Can I please have you.
Please.
Please.
Please.

why can;t people just dress how they want to? and live the life they have to! it's so much funner being yourself :)

well i wouldnt be caught dead in this place!
i didnt mean to bleed on the dancefloor
i just wanted the attention.
I said one more glass. I shoved it in my heels
I like how cutting my inside feels
And even when I line the gun against my mind
I pull the trigger wrong
How come my arteries only bleed for so long?
Can you erase the clotting..stop the
bleeding stopping.................

At 10 in the afternoon
The pills can only get you so far!
Well if they're gonna get me,I wish they'd
do it in the safety of my own backyard.

what i really meant to say is im sorry for the way i am!

dying may be the only way out of this mess. ive had enough. i dont like feelings when they arent good ones..

a few thoughts

I ran over some people. Got blood on my
heels. Yeah well it's midnight inside
I gotta stop spilling worthless tears,
They're not gonna reach out and cuddle me are they?

And when I pile on my glitter mascara
Petal coloured lips, and rose cheeks
It's still disdain staring back at me
So with a hammer I smashed the glass
A million pieces of empty, staring at me
hoping this pain won't last.

I'm scraping the skin of my wrists
On the concrete outside my door
The passerby's believe it's lipsick
But you know it's something more
I'm so sick sick sick of hearing
I'll try harder
And things will be better

I can't give you any more time
We all know pretending is just a lie.


no seriously! i am. im so over it you always promise that! you can't keep 1 single promise! The only time you've ever said you loved me was when you were drunk, it's not that fucking hard to say it anyway! i say it all the time to people! it doesnt cost you a single thing! and i stabbed you in the back did i? yep, i did, i went out of my way trying to get help for you and did you even bother to take any of it up? i tried to give you direction and still you did the same thing.

I hate the Rain

If I [sometimes] lye alone, turn off my houselights,
Raise my glass, and hold a butcher knife
Instead of a hand.
Maybe you'll believe in me.

'cause I don't like moving when it's raining.
So I wish you would stay
I tell you time and time again
How much I hate the rain.

When I was sad. And nobody care to know it.
In my heart you gave me black roses
I tied them up in my hair.
I wanted to believe you. That you were
there.

So, for my birthday. Please give me the stars
So I can finally shine like you.
I don't want to rest in peace!
I want to rest in pieces.
I just want to hold you forever. and ever.
and evereverevereverevereverever.

I don't want to die! I swear.
I just need a pretty smile in my reflection
Tell me,
it will be over soon.
Promise me?
'cause I really can't promise you.

It's cancer. The beloved serum that erodes each artery
Decorates the capillaries with sparkles
When the feeling is like hummingbirds dancing in my stomach
They may be bullets but
They do elate.
And so the rational part of me screams
'somebody do something!!'
but the other side; it's out of it's mind.
Who would have believed a needle with some crystals
Could fill each fibre of me with warmth
Wrap a set of soft hands around my heart
Catch me when I fall..

....but by first morning
my soul was gone.

I don't wanna be more then who I am,
I'm quite content with vomitting candy every morning
Not knowing when the sun rises and falls
Forgetting how to read the time.

Sleep in clothes days and weeks maybe
months old.
Lying amongst these empty bottles.
Sometimes the glass cuts my skin
And the poison cuts my liver lining
But it's worth it for the gain
...wraps it's arms around me and
takes away all the world's pain.

Happiness comes when you accept your fate
And i've come to love mine.

I like rainy days, makes me not miss being out in
the sunlight. Nobody in this world has thoughts like me,
If I could let them in , I would,
I'd ask them to set me free,
When your insides burn to nothing, thats when you stop
to feel, and only hurt
Thats when your it becomes the needles turn
To hold and,
I'll let it see my tears.

If I catch fire, baby, my veins will
Water the flames away
...they're half dead anyway
The tops of broken needles swimming
through the synthetic blood
when God blessed me with life
It just wasn't enough.
It's so beautiful, my arm which sparkles with
Chemicals
Sunrises look so pretty,
I'm in heaven when the needles inside me.
Baby, won't you come join me?

Write on your heart that everyday is the best day of your life.

I will always be there, even if my liver is falling through me
I swear your smile is the suture that fixes
Everything.
We wasted so much time on life.
If it was my time to shine, i'd only do it with you,
You bleed just like me, I know you do.

So put down your bottle, and take the needle out of your arm
I swear the funeral home is on speed dial
Stop planning overdoses with me
I'd rather die alone.
You bring to much love into life
Even if your tears taste like vodka
It's sweet serum to me

Even if our portraits are bruised
I didn't have a heart 'til I met you.
Just cause you don't love you
Doesn't mean I don't.

I don't like sweet kisses. I'd prefer a scalpel in my spleen
Nights drag on til 8 in the afternoon,
When, it's hard to breathe, to bleed, to move.
Tasting sick in my mouth. Swallowing hard, to keep it down.
Our liver wasn't suppose to handle so many pills
I guess it's punishing me. I've made it so ill!

God wouldn't have me in heaven, so I'd create my own
Oxycontin, Valium, Hydrocodene, Alpraxine.

visceral parts they, function with the
same consistency. hurry and complete me.

when we die, we become angels that help other people through life.

In pastel colors when the sun comes up
You think you're so much taller now the
Painkillers give you life.

So when you were sick I gave you daisies
Even though it sucked the life out of me
I get off on you



People always look smaller in hospital beds
But not you.
Watercolour veins, the prettiest shade.
Decorated with needles and kisses from
pretty nurses.






Morphine always takes your melancholy.
I'm sick to death of you being sick.
Daisies will stop growing in the ground if I keep on
Ripping them out for you!

I love hips.

I love hips. Even though mine hurt.
Rose hips are a fruit from a rose plant. Just as lucious as the real thing..

Happiness is that feeling you get that you want to keep feeling it . :)

Fell in love in a psych institution.

You've worn out your dancing shoes
I know it hurts and you're not bleeding just for the
Attention.
Won't you show me your insides?
The blood and all? Cause I want to whisper
"Don't do it.."
I can't clean up the stain on the floor
From the last time
you ingested the sweet cyanide.

.."why don't you look in the mirror.
and hate what you see.
Well thats what its like to be inside me"

How can I leave
When my way home is through you?
Put a razorblade on your tongue
And kiss me one last time
It's about time I grew some guts
And decided to die.

I'm sick of nurses and their medication
Sitting underneath a locked door.
Feel in love in an institution
Turns out Zoloft wasn't a resolution
She's in the bed next to me
And we've planned for 200 days

an oxycontin genocide
..or more like a double suicide..


And I hate her for trying to leave without me
I found her with half a heartbeat today.
Its ok
I've collected enough pills
To make today the day.

Die Young and Save Yourself.

I'd hate to be normal. *Shudders*

Waking from sleep, bought on my codeine
Nausea and arms around stomach
Dry blood on my pillow; sick sick
The price of morphine

Now now just to restart the heart
That they put to rest anyway.

If you've ever seen the clouds pink and decorated
Pathways ultraviolet.
The sparkle of the stars so close you can reach
out and touch them..

You would never want it to end.
I never want to go back to the world being
White again.

I know the sparkle inside your eyes was just the match i used to set myself on fire.

i found out today jacob blatchley reads this 'to see whats going inside my head' so for once i'll be honest & say im listening to the distillers and consuming too many of those hydralite saline iceblocks for some reason,,,





How could you look the way you do when we can do so much for you
A drug for eyes, a drug for hips , a drug to give you softer lips to kiss

A screw, a pull, a twist , the drug that makes you prettiest
It's just a few needles and a rusty butcher knife

Yesterday I danced with a ghost by her grave
Some guy with a needle in his arm decided she'd look prettier
With a knife through her spleen
She whispered that she fell, and it was a luxury
And she told me to open my eyes and see

How much more gorgeous the world was once you die..
And how elated it was just to say goodbye
'cause there's sickness in the air only death will help you run from
"Come on and cry..cry for the sadness that consumes your life"
Sweet ghost made my eyes bleed and she licked away the tears
Wrapped her arms around my arteries and pulled
Red serum falling from my wrists
Take a deep breath.
..'cause this is it.







And as midnight approaches and her hand becomes more warm
The feeling of death is sweet.

Champagne for my Real Friends
Real Pain For My Sham Friends.

The times between the grains, cutting into my stomach lining
...such dread. Hurting like childbirth. ache in the ventricles.
Push the packet in and break the skin
Desperate for the pleasure, life to begin

I can go each day and sleep at night.
I can live but I've already died.
I'm nothing. I'm endless on the inside.

The hypodermic scratches the inside of my vein
Pushing in the semblence, of bliss...that sleepy white haze
As I watch my innocence drift further away
Even my lips are quivering
So, euphoric, my heart beats faint

Sweet serum, moisturizing my arteries
The bevel, plunging in all of life's happiness
In a single dose
Takes me back to the moments
It made me dreamy comatose
And as my fibres get enlightened
My eyes beam with joy
My best friend has his arms wrapped so tightly around me
My head is laying against his heart
The beating sends a soft lullaby
That releases me into nothing but.
Light.

After heroin the world is just so
Dread, Rush
Pressure for dapper, luxe
Those worries they outside are forced to
Nurture. If only they
Knew.

Voices are whispering. Comforting
...'everything will be ok'
Are the inside. Or outside my mind?
It doesn't matter
Nothing else matters.

Every time we surrender to a vice, we get temporary relief. But the vice gets a tighter grip on us. Which do you prefer? temporary relief or freedom for life?

I know all about you. You make that pretty
girl's blood so tired it congeals.
And her pupils shrink to the size of my insides
As her head falls tenderly on her breast
It. Makes. Me. Sit. Down. And. Think.
About how many feelings are concealed
In that tiny syringe

So she wakes up, and in her eyes
I can see through the velvet that is embracing
her veins. She pours her heart out to me
And her eyes release her inside rain
When it's inside you,
Your head's naked.

She sits in bliss for 40 straight hours
Ignoring her arm's bloody showers
Asks me for a bandaid or half a dozen
And covers up the feeding holes
Of more and more voices

Its her own little Dr.Feelgood
The reason she still breathes
Her whole live is comprised into that tiny
Bevel. Every synthetic emotion
That helps her heart just swell

She chases after spiders that I can't see.
She sees beautiful sunsets, that don't
even seem real to me.
She can push a sharp so hard into her arm
And not even scream
She's a dirty, dirty junkie
But shes'
everything to me.

I know all about you. You make that pretty
girl's blood so tired it congeals.
And her pupils shrink to the size of my insides
As her head falls tenderly on her breast
It. Makes. Me. Sit. Down. And. Think.
About how many feelings are concealed
In that tiny syringe

So she wakes up, and in her eyes
I can see through the velvet that is embracing
her veins. She pours her heart out to me
And her eyes release her inside rain
When it's inside you,
Your head's naked.

She sits in bliss for 40 straight hours
Ignoring her arm's bloody showers
Asks me for a bandaid or half a dozen
And covers up the feeding holes
Of more and more voices

Its her own little Dr.Feelgood
The reason she still breathes
Her whole live is comprised into that tiny
Bevel. Every synthetic emotion
That helps her heart just swell

She chases after spiders that I can't see.
She sees beautiful sunsets, that don't
even seem real to me.
She can push a sharp so hard into her arm
And not even scream
She's a dirty, dirty junkie
But shes'
everything to me.

In between moments of, endless well being,
In the middle of jabs
When feelings are real. They transcend,
But only transpire when my veins
Aren't on fire.

They're all synthetic.
It's all a huge facade
But i'd rather the needle in my stream
Then have to live through
my
only
true
feelings.

Sometimes you hurt so much, I don't know how to move
Sometimes you wrapping your lips
Around my hips; Sucking dry, the scars
The needle left on my arm
Is like the saline, I need
...'cause the poison has drained me.

You fall down the staires like a
Huge blow up doll. I can't decipher
if you're real; or a synthetic
love. A needle infection
or a love affection? The love of my life
Or the hullicinations of my mind

Through the window, the sun is playing with your hair
I can hear your skin screaming
Calling for true rays; and not
the fake. The 'feeling' of light running
through your veins.
It's just not the same.

We're God's malfunctioned angels
'cause i swear he was the first to
Push the needle in my arm!
If I believed in time machines
I would of run away from the dark

Once I saw the future in your eyes
But now I'm sick.
Because, the future exists
And now matter how much I blow into
My broken stream,
It never seems to kill me.
It just won't let me leave.

Sweet Weakness.

I'm trying.
I'm trying to see that silver lining.
I'm drawing the images in my mind
Of the door to escape into another time,
When my blood wasn't synthetic,
and my heart beat for the fun of it.
When sunlight used to nourish my skin
...memories.

It looks after me like an angel.
And I alone slain my whole family.
My life. My dreams; My insides.
The elixir of the veins.
So when I just forget to breathe
I hear it scream! Oh the need.
The need to grip that syringe
And push it so deep even my bones
Bruise.

It wraps it's arms around my arteries
Like a blanket when the windows fog up
In the cold. It gives warmth into every
Fibre of my body. It breathes life
Back into me.

And as my lungs fill up with pain.
I can't exhale, I can only take in more
Of everything I want to be.
Well I'd rather bleed then be without it.
The people out my window look in at me with
Sympathy.

I'm getting sicker. I rub my arm so the pain
Will go away. From the infection
This needle stabbing into the crease like a blade.
Every morning with the taste
Of sick down my throat.
Everyday I lower the casket deeper
Filled with the parts of me that still have life.

Oh I wish God denied.
Use once and destroy.
Use once. And say
Goodbye.

It's winter. And the voices won't go away.
Sometimes I wish the cold
Would blow their words away.
Maybe in time. I wonder.
That the bevel wouldn't make me crawl
And push in that sharp. To escape it all.

The feelings bliss. It wraps it's feelings
Around my lips. Like his passionate kiss
Before it made him leave.
I'm complete, when I can see the bone
Cause when my needles inside me.
I'm no longer alone.

The passing through the clouds
The warmth of the sunlight against my veins
Yesterday I was in prison.
My needle, it's helped me escape.
When the world paints you as a disasterpiece
It's the voice in your ear
That tells you it's your life
...and i'll always be here'

So now when I fall. With a thud onto the ground
And stare into the container
Where the heroin is no longer found
I wrap my arms around my legs
Make myself a rocking chair.
Because my heart just won't beat again
Until,
it's lifeblood is there.

From Ages 8-18

I did this as a Health Experiences assignment for uni, it got published and put up on display. I wonder how many people actually read it? Not many, I think.




They threw them at my face
The white coats,
In a tiny little jar they came
A thousand concoctions of chemicals
To make me sane
I’d take them every morning
And be subject to their prodding
“These pills will make you normal. They’ll help you. You’ll see”
‘Cause apparently I’m not normal.
They said it’s A.D.D

But I woke, my blood a little sleepy
These pills... they locked me away. Every inch of my existence
Feeling it change
They left me spinning in the memories
Of the person I used to be


So Mum took me back
To the men with all the charts
Said something was wrong
And I got a brand new jar

These ones sent these chills through my bloodstream
Kept me awake all night
Trying to conceal the sadness that welled up inside

They wouldn’t let me eat
It hurts to feel your ribs ache against your skin...
But I could barely fill my stomach
With anything



And I told them how I felt.
On those therapy chairs
I said, “I don’t remember myself,
My veins are leaking chemicals...”
But instead of stopping
And talking to me
They pushed more drugs
Into my bloodstream




So every week a brand new box
That sent my mind in vicious knots
Every synthetic emotion in the space of a day
Anger. Euphoria. Love. Pain



They still couldn’t fix me
And never knew why. How odd it must have been
An arrangement of chemicals
Couldn’t fix my mind?


“It must be you...”
I was always the reason why.
Words never failed, because they never tried
To ask me how I felt, to detangle my mind




So now I just dream of escaping
I’m outnumbered by this chemical army
Those white coats keep pushing into me
Swallowing these pills
That sleep my sleeps.
That dream my dreams.
That’s taken all the life
Out of me.

His footsteps clouded my vision
As I sat with the blade.
Reaching into my insides
Wrapping its silver around my blades.
Yesterday I lost my closest friend
Now I just wish time would end.
Yesterday I lost the life inside my heart
And now I must
Follow him into the dark.

Peace

Once I crawled up a tree
There was a spider in my hair
He wouldn't let go of me
He tried to suck the blood
Off the crease of my arm
...I knew he'd die.
He'd die.

Once I hid under the floor boards
I tried to escape my tears
But I found more needles.
More teaspoons of blood.
More reminders of my only love.
I ran. I hit my head on the floor.
It turned black.
Black.

Once I ran up a hill
I tried to make my own silence
But my heart beat a tattoo in my chest
And I couldn't run without tripping
I couldn't stand without slipping
I pushed the lever into my arm
I pushed the sunlight into my veins

Once it was night time
I sat in bliss all day
The stars fell into the ground
I tried to pick them up
They burnt me.
It soothed my aching bloodstream
I could hear it scream
Give me what I need.

Once I tied a rope around my neck
I only had one more needle worth
The slipknot massaged my bleak insides
Bleak.
I jumped.
Now I feel.
Peace.

So Long Before

"I can't hear the music"
On her hands and her knees, ears laid against
The ground
Feeling the vibrations around her she fell
It must have been that poisonous liquid
That made her stomach swell

Dread encased her skin,
Hiding the burn. The ache.
The guilt of her sin.

To the needle she caressed
Give me a case of the sleeping sickness.
The spiderwebs in the wall. Glared.
Drinking in her pain,
...'i wish the winter would go away'
She wished she would .......go away

To leave into the real world
Rob some sunlight.
Inject true feeling into her blood
Balmy nights go to waste
Synethic emotion, grips her
Veins.

Up he up there was laughing at her
She climbed up the wall
Spleen pumping blood quicker then her
Arm bled.
Down the end of the room
Her needle set the scene
Of where she punctured her arm so hard
She couldn't stop the bleed.

They were laughing at her!
The family portraits. Faces of those
She had long neglect.

Her hallucinations were etched
with a memory of before.
So long before.

I can feel
The lining of my stomach.
Its vessels bursting.
It's aching. Softly.
Sorely.

Yesterday I held an empty bottle
It felt so light in my hands
I pushed my palms together so hard
I cut myself, on the glass

The poison is the summer
Takes away the pain of the season
The time for coats. and colds.
The time for blankets. And hurting
To be alone.

If looks could kill
Well, my mirror would be in pieces
And my heart.
Not beating.
And my addiction
More hidden.
And my voices.
Softer spoken.
And my insides.
So broken

If God granted us three wishes
I'd wish on only one thing
The wish to disappear
The wish to not exist.

I can taste the glitter in my veins

I can taste the glitter in my veins
It eats away at my insides
Like broken stars.
The sparkle to my heart
Wraps it's hand around it. Tight
Reminds it to beat
Beat through the night.

I can feel the strap around my arm
The crease
It forgets to bleed
These days.
My insides, are falling away
My bloodstream calls for its
Peace.
Its disease.

The needle.
It sits. A tablespoon of blood
Cradling it's bevel
It calls for me
It ripped the sparkle from my eyes
It's every
Fibre of my life

It hurts to lacerate my arm
With that
...that god forsaken sharp
When it slashes, I shake
I can feel my veins.
My arteries. They break.

The bandaid only covers
The tiny hole. I am broken.
I am the ones who bleed.
I can't escape.
It's the only life in me.

No one's gonna stop her...

So let her stomach leak onto the floor
Her mummy would cry if she knew
Her only daughter was a junkie
She worked all week, and all night
To space out under some flashing lights

And they stare at her as she walks down the street
She pulls her jumper over her arms
A little facade for those nuisance track marks
She sure loves the devil
She sure loves a hit
She loves every moment of inebriation
Every minute of that hit

So if she wants to inject
At the signal of the weeks end
Who are we to judge. Her stomach aches
A bitter taste on her tongue
No point in crying, over a grave already dug.

Silhouetted by the moonlight,
She stands. The grave stones lined against her
With a broken bottle in her hands
On her tongue the poisons dance
Anymore and her heart will just...
Stop.

Escape

She doesn't sleep very much,
She bled a tablespoon of blood,
It kept her up.

The tissue wrapped a little tight
She pressed down harder
All her insides burning, calling for
her murder

He lined some blades on his tongue
And kissed her gently. Careful to draw blood
It fell softly. Into his palms
It sparkled like her eyes used to.
Oh, they sparkled.

She stared at the mirror
And layered her lipgloss on
It stopped the blood. She bleeds only
the pink liquid now.

Even Her veins flowed with a touch of despair
Desperate to escape
With the next artery she tears
.........."I wish I could just walk,
Right out of this world"

is it bad.,
do you think, if i load myself up.
and have a drink, at say 12.pm in the day? it is afternoon after all,

It's Been my Dream to watch you Burn From the Inside Out

Let's set ourselves on fire.
I'll take the sparkle right out of your eyes,
If your heart remembers to beat tonight
I'll douse you in the prettiest gasoline
It's been my dream
To watch you burn from the inside out
You force fed me your poison
I inhaled it straight from your mouth
I want to forget you were ever here,
at any time...
Erase you forever from my mind

'cause it's been so long since I have bled.
Since I inhaled air. Or felt the skin thats on my cheeks
And shut my eyes to make them wet.
You said I was pretty dead.
But I don't feel that beautiful,
what happened to those nights we said
...we'd love eachother forever.

This walls are drinking us in
The sky, watching over
It'll rain on my parade.
It'll re-lite all this pain

I know it'll break your heart.
To see what I have down
It took the life out of me
To sew your lips right up

I'll put my hand over your soul
I'll make sure you're all warm
...I just can't take your heart anymore
You'll take mine to the grave
...I just can't take you anymore
This murder. This Life. It's you.
I love.
I hate.

Pass it to me. Quick.
Words are starting to run through me.
A voice I pushed to the back of my mind
That tells me to slow down.
"This poison is not nice!"

im fucking insane.

The Monster is Eating my Dreams

So what if once I used to have dreams?
It was only silly lipgloss I used to bleed.
Now it all runs deep.
My pain. This prison I have locked myself into.
I scream, this monster inside
My captor.
I'm hostage to a liquid.
A monster full of sex. Love. Passion. Happiness.
This monster
With an awful comedown. A tight bandage mark
Scars my once tender arm.
Now so full, of purple scabs.

I cant find room anymore.
My whole body is one huge sore.
Every piece of my skin has been jabbed
Every inch of my soul has been eaten up

This monster hides under my bed
As soon as I shut my lids he stares
He calls. He sends this chill through my veins
And once again, the syringe calls my name.

So what if once I was full of dreams?
I lost them when I gave myself this jab.
It gave me more hope and feeling
Then life could ever have.

And maybe it's the heroin talking.
It must be.
Cause once.
I was full of dreams.

So, you want to make a memory?
I suppose if memories remained in my mind
And weren't lost under light filled skies
On those nights I sat alone
And stuck the needle right to the bone
Then I was joined
By a strange semblance of happiness.
I promised. Made so many promises.
.."last time. last time. last time"
I replayed this scene on and on in my mind
Where I could dream, sleep, breathe.
Without the help of this sharp.
That forever, forever has a hold of my heart.

I guess I could make a memory
If I lived off my own air.

Hear the Victrola
Lost in the attic. Haunted by the shadows
The shadows of who we used to be
Lost in some section of our memories
They told us love would tear us apart
But now we know.
It was never our love for eachother
It's our love for the drugs.

And remember ..if you can
How we would lie on the bench
Taking turns to inject
The colourful poison.
The vengeful poison.
The nourishment of my heart.
Kept it beating.
Beating.

Can you hear our footsteps
When we were young
When the only high we knew
Was love?
We were so innocent
Not scarred by time
And now. We are
No longer divine.

I remember your bright complexion
And pretty blue eyes
Now their lost
In a world of deceit, sleep and lies.

Because it takes me 50 hits
Before I can breathe
It takes a dozen pills
And a line before I can believe

And I'd be living a fantasy world
If I ever thought
I could break free
Maybe its the drugs talking for me
But I think it's true
It's a new me.
And it's a whole new you.

Survivor.

I'm hanging by my noose. Spinning the hours away
Dread is, sleeping, or passing out sounds more like me
Wondering if.
Your heart will beat the night through.

And when my eyes aren't shaking enough to read
I go through magazines. I want to live like what I see.
If only I could.
Wake. Clean. Work.
It's now.
Unconcious. Shot. Dirty. Shot.
Get all the junk dropped off.


I want to love you.
You feed my dreams
Keep nourishing my veins
You're the only life in me.

I want to scream.
Quit robbing me!
Stop invading my veins
You're killing me

And now the winds blowing
And my noose wraps tighter
I could never call myself
a 'heroin survivor'

Sometimes. I don't know why I'm even alive.

And today lasted. As long as yesterday's
Poison ran through me.
It got lost in the holes I made in my arteries
When I was young and still full of dreams.
Its bruised. Swollen. Sore.
But it hurts, much less than withdrawal.
Cause that would certainly be tough
Being denied..from my first and only love.

And she's like. Some warm embrace
Ebony hair, lips like diamonds
She screams, she pleads
My arm hurts less than withdrawal would, anyway.

And everyday she calls for me
Like a dancer in all my dreams
And I push the needle right to my veins
I push I push her pain away

I see her running
Her cigarette burns like rubies
I hold her close to me
She sets my bloodstream on desire
Every inch of my existence
Euphoric in her fire

I lie and feel her wrap her arms wrapped tightly
Smiling at the life she has created for me
My little Dresden Doll the soul of my being
Her package is the needle.
Her insides, the colour of synthetic.

As she calls for my blood
I could never deny
She feeds my veins. She nourishes my insides.
When she's gone, and I'm alone
I push that needle, 'til it hits the bone
She comes for me.
She comes.

When she leaves
It hurts like hell. As all my insides
Bruise. Pulsate. And Swell.
And I stare at the empty needle
Wishing she was back inside.
The girl of my dreams.
The only thing keeping me alive.

It Takes the Years Out of You..

It takes the years out of you. To watch. To wait.
To sometimes anticipate
I planted the seed in my arm
Long before, it clasped itself
around my heart

And I woke every morning
My blood a little sleepy
Trying to remember the last ten or so years
It takes the life out of you
When you cant remember the last time
You etched a memory that remained
And wasn't injected away

If only I believed
In time machines. When words arent shaky
Enough to read
The message 'never regret' seems to repeat
How can I not regret
Sucking in the poison
That sleeps my sleeps.
That dreams my dreams?
That kills my peace?

The cordon like arm belt that wraps so tight
Sometimes I forget to take it off before the night
Maybe if my arm drips off
The chemicals will have no way in
But that's, just wishful thinking.

It's a succubus
It's the enemy.
It's taking all the life.
Out of Me.

You must have lost your way...
You promised you'd be here when I awoke
Cause this house is full of empty bottles
And the remnants of who we used to be
When everything was as it seemed
When we were so young. So full of dreams
You must have lost your way.
Yes.

Addict.

How many times must I dream of escaping.
Some self locked prison, where the meth threw the keys away
Off into some ocean, I'd never find.
Never find an exit, of this hell I've created
I was outnumbered, by a crystal army
Of lust, happiness, and bliss.
They shot me down. Every last grain.
Every inhalation another blow
To my brain.

Buried Way Too Shallow

Pressing my palms against her chest
Theres no heartbeat.
I'm such a sucker for girls.
Who wish to drink themselves to death
Throw back the bottles
By midnight it's halloween in the eyes of us
By standers.

Another swig to drown the screams inside her head
It puts them to sleep, if only for an hour
And her skin will hide the fact she's dying
But inside her soul was taken.

"i wanna rest in pieces
You can have my heart and my soul..."
Her hands stay warm. They reach inside me.
They wrap around my heart.

And she gets on her knees.
She pleads. Pleads. Pleads.
"When I stop breathing. Don't kiss me better"
And her arm lifted. I wished her veins would stop leaking.
I knew there would be blood.

Her cuts turned to gray.
The grayest shade of sick. The grip on the bottle lessened
We watched it fall away.
You've found a world now.
Where no body can hurt you anymore.

And she shut her eyes.
The cut on her eyelid weeping tear drops.
I knelt beside her . She wouldn't wake up ever again.
Her body was cold.
Her cheeks like ice.


But her hands wrapped around my heart.
Were always warm.

I feel cheated. They said when I died I'd be able to laugh.
They sewed my lips up, I can taste the blood.
It's like visual cocaine for those watching in.
Eye candy.
Who said you couldn't make an innocent girl
The perfect killer?

The First Cut is Always the Deepest.

Didn't I tell you? The first cut is always the deepest.
But I promise. It hurts more and more.
When the scar tissue wraps tighter. Lick your lips in pleasure.
Oh you will.
Watching your skin rip off, is just the warmest pain
A pretty purple scar, our monetary gain.
Cherry flavored blood. The surprises keep coming.
Don't tell me, this isn't better then your first orgasm.

And society will say. Stop it! Don't hurt yourself.
They'll try to lock you up. Straightjacket. Take away your trusty razorblade.
But don't listen. They're full of lies.
They won't care for you, like your friendly butcher knife.
Will you let them try to tell you how to live your life?


Never tell them our little secret.
When you cut that gash in your arm. Pain is shooting like a star
Happiness is really just a gash away.

And when you come home and feel like crying
Ignore the tears, and give your wrist a slicing

Thank God we know, I suppose. Rather kick the bucket
Than break this heart warming habit!
If only the world knew...
How opening your veins can do so much for you.










lol, today, i must have forgotten to take my sanity pills! what is this!

Audrey Hepburn ... Addicted

Can you count the times, she runs her tongue over her teeth
Bent hips. Cracked lips. She's a regular Audrey Hepburn. So she says, anyway.
She'd kiss you, if you'd let her.
She can't exist anymore'. Ignore her.
Today, it's just the way the medication makes her.
If she dares tell you she's bipolar
Just laugh politely. Agree.
She'll kick you straight in the stomach.
Searching for her youth. She'll tell you anything but the truth.
Your heart is a joke to her.
It's only an organ' she'll whisper.



But for some reason I cant take my eyes off her
Something about insane girls makes my blood run warmer.